It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
