Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
