So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
