piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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