we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
