if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
