i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
