you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
