Please don't use social media to get back at me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
