at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
