Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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