Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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