I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
