shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
