why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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