I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
