Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
