if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
