this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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