it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
