dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
