ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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