What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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