Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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