i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
