That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
