I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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