a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
