for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
