ugly people sure do ruin things
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
