absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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