he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
