i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
