life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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