splinters make it hard to masturbate
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
