apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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