pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
