If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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