In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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