I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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