I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
