wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
