No stitches, just platelets and will power
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
