She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
