Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
