i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
