I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
