her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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