one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
As shirtless as possible
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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