Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
