You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
